WARNING: This post my contain a little TMI regarding pregnancy issues for some if not all of you. Proceed at your own risk...
Monday morning, and by morning I mean 4:00am, I woke, 16 weeks into pregnancy, from a dream and rolled over in bed. At that point I experienced what I thought was a minor but normal pregnancy issue-a non airtight bladder- and again it being the minorest of minor and me being the tiredest of tired, fell right back to sleep. When 20 minutes later I felt a much larger "gush" I knew that my bladder was not THAT leaky and something else was going on.
I woke to find myself in quite a bit of blood and after making it to the bathroom had much more exit my body. I called for Joe to wake up and on the third call he finally responded and I relayed what was happening. In the few minutes of discussion of what to do the bleeding stopped. Joe decided to call his mom, the expert of all things pregnancy, and then he called the on-call doctor. The bleeding had remained stopped and so he told us while we could go to the ER right then, unless the bleeding started again nothing would be changed by doing so and we might be just as well to wait the three hours until our doctor made it into the office. Many silent prayers had been said up to this point and I felt at peace about waiting to see my doctor. By peace I don't mean that I thought there was any hope that I was still carrying a live baby inside of me, but peace in terms of this would be an okay choice and comfort that all would be okay.
Joe's mom meanwhile chose not to wait for our call to come but got right in her car and headed over. This also happened to be a night where Chloe's bad dreams led her to sleep on our floor in our room. With all that was going on, all of us except Noah were up and wide awake when Diane arrived at 5:00am. This was a blessing in that I had other people to talk to to distract myself from what we all believed was the inevitable conclusion - we had begun to have a miscarriage. Now I have never had a miscarriage and have experienced nothing but perfect pregnancies so far. I have never taken a negative pregnancy test. So this feeling of loss was a first for me. With Diane already here we were able to head out as soon as Dr. Lesser's office was able to get us in - which was FAST.
As we drove I had several mixed feelings. This pregnancy has been different in that I hadn't yet quite wrapped my head around the fact that we were having a third baby and because of that I felt guilt that maybe this had happened because I hadn't loved or wanted this baby enough. I also was clinging to the fact that everything COULD be okay. In seeing that blood and feeling that loss I KNEW that I did and do want this baby and I wanted everything to be okay. We arrived with Joe and I expecting the worst but hoping for the best.
To our surprise, the best is what we got. The doctor examined me, found no more active bleeding and in fact found that my cervix was still completely closed. Then came the moment when we, Joe for the first time, heard the heartbeat of our sweet little child - strong and healthy. YES! When we questioned the doctor, she replied that sometimes these things happen - it could have been a random vein that burst and resealed, but it was in no way related to the pregnancy. I breathed a sigh of relief that I could maintain my normal activities and not worry that this was a sign of a hard or lost pregnancy. Just a fluke that I had never heard of before.
As I reflected, tiredly, on the events of that morning later that day, I couldn't help but be grateful and that is why I post this - to remember the tender mercies of a loving Heavenly Father. After the initial shock wore off, at no point was I in a state of fear. Through prayer I was blessed with a spirit of peace and comfort that, no matter the result, I would be okay. There are so many wonderful blessings to the gospel in which I believe and one that I am most grateful for is the knowledge that we are led and guided by a Heavenly Father that loves us and will guide and protect us as much as we allow him while we are on this journey known as life. I am grateful that this little child inside of me is alive and kicking (literally, I felt those flutters for the first time this week) and that we have the opportunity to add a child to our family and to have the opportunity to teach our children the gospel! Although maybe I would have preferred not to experience this scare, especially at 4:00am, I am grateful for experiences that put things into perspective and show me how much I, one tiny person, am loved.
Monday morning, and by morning I mean 4:00am, I woke, 16 weeks into pregnancy, from a dream and rolled over in bed. At that point I experienced what I thought was a minor but normal pregnancy issue-a non airtight bladder- and again it being the minorest of minor and me being the tiredest of tired, fell right back to sleep. When 20 minutes later I felt a much larger "gush" I knew that my bladder was not THAT leaky and something else was going on.
I woke to find myself in quite a bit of blood and after making it to the bathroom had much more exit my body. I called for Joe to wake up and on the third call he finally responded and I relayed what was happening. In the few minutes of discussion of what to do the bleeding stopped. Joe decided to call his mom, the expert of all things pregnancy, and then he called the on-call doctor. The bleeding had remained stopped and so he told us while we could go to the ER right then, unless the bleeding started again nothing would be changed by doing so and we might be just as well to wait the three hours until our doctor made it into the office. Many silent prayers had been said up to this point and I felt at peace about waiting to see my doctor. By peace I don't mean that I thought there was any hope that I was still carrying a live baby inside of me, but peace in terms of this would be an okay choice and comfort that all would be okay.
Joe's mom meanwhile chose not to wait for our call to come but got right in her car and headed over. This also happened to be a night where Chloe's bad dreams led her to sleep on our floor in our room. With all that was going on, all of us except Noah were up and wide awake when Diane arrived at 5:00am. This was a blessing in that I had other people to talk to to distract myself from what we all believed was the inevitable conclusion - we had begun to have a miscarriage. Now I have never had a miscarriage and have experienced nothing but perfect pregnancies so far. I have never taken a negative pregnancy test. So this feeling of loss was a first for me. With Diane already here we were able to head out as soon as Dr. Lesser's office was able to get us in - which was FAST.
As we drove I had several mixed feelings. This pregnancy has been different in that I hadn't yet quite wrapped my head around the fact that we were having a third baby and because of that I felt guilt that maybe this had happened because I hadn't loved or wanted this baby enough. I also was clinging to the fact that everything COULD be okay. In seeing that blood and feeling that loss I KNEW that I did and do want this baby and I wanted everything to be okay. We arrived with Joe and I expecting the worst but hoping for the best.
To our surprise, the best is what we got. The doctor examined me, found no more active bleeding and in fact found that my cervix was still completely closed. Then came the moment when we, Joe for the first time, heard the heartbeat of our sweet little child - strong and healthy. YES! When we questioned the doctor, she replied that sometimes these things happen - it could have been a random vein that burst and resealed, but it was in no way related to the pregnancy. I breathed a sigh of relief that I could maintain my normal activities and not worry that this was a sign of a hard or lost pregnancy. Just a fluke that I had never heard of before.
As I reflected, tiredly, on the events of that morning later that day, I couldn't help but be grateful and that is why I post this - to remember the tender mercies of a loving Heavenly Father. After the initial shock wore off, at no point was I in a state of fear. Through prayer I was blessed with a spirit of peace and comfort that, no matter the result, I would be okay. There are so many wonderful blessings to the gospel in which I believe and one that I am most grateful for is the knowledge that we are led and guided by a Heavenly Father that loves us and will guide and protect us as much as we allow him while we are on this journey known as life. I am grateful that this little child inside of me is alive and kicking (literally, I felt those flutters for the first time this week) and that we have the opportunity to add a child to our family and to have the opportunity to teach our children the gospel! Although maybe I would have preferred not to experience this scare, especially at 4:00am, I am grateful for experiences that put things into perspective and show me how much I, one tiny person, am loved.
